I had so much anxiety this morning. It’s a feeling of having had too much coffee, racing heart and thoughts, when I had no more than usual. It’s a feeling of having too much to do and not having the ability to do any of it. It’s looking out the front windows and getting a sick feeling in my stomach at the “cruel world” out there. It’s being mad at myself for seeing a cruel world when in actuality, it’s a bright sunny day in a quaint, quiet neighborhood.
If I start to dissect this anxiety, a few thoughts come to the forefront:
- I had very weird dreams last night and had difficulty sleeping / staying asleep
- I ate fairly poorly all weekend skipping a lot of ordinarily eaten fruits and vegetables, plus had ice cream two days, when I usually only have 1 sweet treat per week
- I’m working from home and Liezel insists on being let out every 5 minutes, only to stand on the deck and come back in
- Today is the first of my (what seems overwhelming) 31 day challenge consisting of 4 daily tasks: write a blog post, follow a new blog, do some amount of housework, and a 30-day arm exercise regimen (*these tasks are detailed below)
- Last night our walk with Liezel wasn’t great. She reacted to a passerby before we even left the driveway. She was snippy taking treats the rest of the walk, and hyper-vigilant. All of it feels like a big step backwards in our recent progress.
Of course, the ice cream and other poor eating did not help my sleeping / dreams. Poor sleep contributes to my negative outlook on the world out my window.
While I could make myself go for a quick walk around the neighborhood, I feel I should take Liezel with me but because of her reactivity last night, I’m fearful to do so. This causes feelings of failure at my (in)ability to train her / help her to feel comfortable.
Because mental health issues carry such a negative stigma, I have never shared my anxiety with anyone aside from my husband and parents. The idea of posting this is frightening and has me hovering over the delete key.
However, the name of this blog kind of says it all – I have anxiety. This post is just adding detail.
RECOVERY – steps taken to ease the anxiety:
Opened all of the blinds to let the sun shine in
Drank spinach, banana, strawberry smoothie
Got out of pajamas, showered, brushed teeth, got into real clothes
Played tug with Liezel a few times throughout the day
Drank a lot of water, ate healthy meals and snacks
*Cleaned kitchen (including windows), changed sheets, did three load of laundry
*Day 1 of 30-day arm challenge:
- 5 push ups
- 5 dips
- 10 bicep curls
- 10 seconds punches